On behavior change, knowing what (or who) you want, and the fascinating Buster Benson

I still remember the moment I came across Buster Benson’s blog and work a few years ago. As I read his words and beliefs, I felt this strong visceral reaction to the point of goosebumps. The more I furiously clicked around his site, the more I found myself jumping up and yelling “YES!!!!”

Buster is one of those rare people who knows exactly why he exists which manifests in everything that he does. Buster is a genius when it comes to building technology that improves people’s lives. He started at Amazon’s Personalization and Recommendations team, building one of the first truly personalized experiences on the web. Since then, he’s co-founded, sold, and created a number of companies and good-for-you products like Habit Labs, 750words, and Health Month.

On Tuesday, I chatted with him more deeply about his work, motivations, and thoughts on failure and behavior change. It was a hell of an interesting 54 minutes, and I thought I’d share some of the insights that are still keeping me up at 1:12am…

What we want vs. what we think is possible

In any pursuit that we have, there is A) what we want and B) what we think is possible.

When you ask people “what do you want to do with your life,” they automatically filter it through what they think is possible instead of thinking about it as two separate questions.

The larger the delta between what we want and what we think is possible, the more unhappy we are as people. The fear of failure is what creates that unhappiness.

On knowing what you like and want

If you really like someone and you’re not sure if they like you back, that is the best situation to be in. Because, this way, you know what you like and what you want. That is 99.9% of the problem. The rest of it lies in being creative and not taking failure personally.

Behavior change is all we have

You can’t change anything in the world unless you change something you do every day.

All we are given is the opportunity to do what we can while we are here. The world and the universe is largely unchangeable unless you consider the fact that you are part of it. So really, the only thing to change is yourself. If we can’t change ourselves, there’s not a chance that we’ll ever change anything else. So why not focus on that?

Goals verses interests

Instead of focusing on goals, try focusing on interests. The goal of self-change and self-progress is not to win but rather to enjoy life more. This usually happens when you focus on your interests.

Embrace your many sides

We all have multiple sides, dimensions, and everything we do today might not be consistent with everything we’ve done before.

People try to curate their own personality too much, especially publicly or on social networks. They try to be “what’s professional,” or whatever. They are highly influenced by what they think other people expect from them.

All sides of you are true and honest. Keeping this in mind, you can truly share what’s important to you instead of having to worry about how it’s going to be perceived in the long-term. Be you—all sides of you.