Three weeks ago, I announced a vision for an unconventional school that I hoped to make a reality this summer in Boulder. Since then, I’ve been thinking big and making plans. And I’m happy to say that Nathaniel Koloc, my partner-in-crime and the co-founder of ReWork, will be joining me to make this dream come true. It’s called The Bold Academy, and we couldn’t be more excited.

This summer, we’re bringing 24 college students and recent grads to Boulder for a transformative life experience designed to give them the perspective and skills they need to build the lives they want, from authentic relationships to meaningful work. Each student will gain years of real-world experience in 4 weeks, while realizing how their natural talents and true passions align with what the world needs. Those who attend should expect to walk away on fire, with a clear vision for their near-term future as well as a plan to make it real. For those looking for inspiring work, they’ll be equipped with the strategy to land their dream job. 

There will be moments of fear, deep connections, triumphs, and breakthroughs. We see lifelong bonds being formed in days, and strengthened over weeks. We envision this experience being the catalyst for the rest of their lives.

This program will be designed for college juniors, seniors, and recent grads who:

• Want to “change the world” and contribute to something bigger than themselves, but aren’t sure how to get started
• Feel unsure about “what’s next” and know deep down that a traditional career path is not for them
• Want to live a meaningful life, feel like the best version of themselves, and be surrounded by those who help advance their true passions and strengths
• Refuse to settle for anything less than realizing their full potential

Here’s what we know already:

• This is happening. 24 college juniors, seniors, and recent grads (12 gents + 12 ladies) will be coming to Boulder this summer for the experience of a lifetime.
• The curriculum will revolve around action and deep reflection on six themes: self-awareness, integrity, confidence, risk-taking, resourcefulness, and strategy. For each theme, we’ll move from introduction and theory to learning-by-doing and practice to the point of mastery.
• We’ll be using a tuition model which will include the 4-weeks of core programming, living accommodations, (healthy) food, playful adventures, and access to an in-house fitness trainer and nutritionist. Price is TBD.
• This pilot is an experiment. We want to scale big but we’re going to start small. 

Here’s what we’re still figuring out:

• Living logistics. Participants will be living together. It may be one big house or 4-6 apartments, we aren’t sure.
• The exact dates. July is looking good. Real good.
• Who the 12 gents and 12 ladies will be. Applications open in 2 weeks. 
• We’re hiring 3 people, including an Academy Director, Logistics Coordinator, and Communications Coordinator. Intrigued? Check out the roles and apply now.

More coming soon. Stay tuned. 

(Photo via 365q.)

Annoyed. Frustrated. Stuck.

It’s 9:24 p.m. on Monday and I’m trying to figure out what the hell to write about for tomorrow. 

I have three half-written posts about three topics that other people encouraged me to write about: passion and suffering, taking bold leaps, and how people are mirrors for self-understanding. None of these topics are clicking or flowing and I feel stuck.

Today, I had all the normal environmental and situational cues that typically encourage inspiration. I started the day with a kick-ass work-out, followed by cooking myself a healthy and delicious lunch. I sipped tea and talked life with a friend at a local cafe, helped a few clients navigate challenges via email, planned some adventures for the week, and spent a few hours diving into my new favorite book on behavior change, Switch. Now, I’m sitting in front of my fireplace drinking yet another cup of herbal tea waiting for inspiration to strike. 

It’s not striking. It hasn’t all day. And I’m annoyed. 

I text my friend Nathaniel: “I can’t figure out what to write about for tomorrow. Stuck. Theme ideas?”

He replies: “Write about that. Being stuck. How it feels and how you deal with it. Flow on that!”

Genius. Suddenly, I’m reminded of what I tell all my friends and clients who feel frustrated with their current situation: what we resist, persists. Meaning, if there’s any situation or cirumstance in our life that we don’t like, this means we are resisting it. We resist it by thinking about how we don’t like it or want it to change instead of simply looking at the situation and seeing it as it is. When we stop wishing that ‘what is’ were different, we gain control over the situation. It’s only when we accept the current circumstances that we begin to see the opportunity. It’s the first step toward change.

After three hours of feeling stuck because inspiration wasn’t striking, Nathaniel’s text reminded me to accept the present moment and use it as fuel to create. 

And now I am creating. (Happy dance.) 

This applies to so many areas of our lives.

A friend of mine recently found out he was let go from a project due to circumstances beyond his control. At first, he was bummed. Real bummed. Sending texts and emails with multiple sad faces bummed. But then, he accepted reality and his perspective shifted. He realized that being let go wasn’t a problem or failing to overcome. Instead, it was an opportunity for him to reengage his life and reinvest in what deeply motivates and excites him. He’s been thinking about building his own brand and company for a while but never had the impetus to do so. Now he does and is off to bigger and better things. 

Another friend of mine recently ended an unsatisfying relationship. She always felt frustrated by how her and her boyfriend communicated and spent time together. For a while, she tried to change him. It was a lot of, “If only he did X then we’d have a good relationship.” One day, she accepted ‘what is’ and her perspective shifted. She realized that she needn’t try to change her man and instead, she should communicate her needs and expectations. This conversation led to them both realizing their interests and desires were misaligned, and the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. Things ended on good terms and now she’s giving herself the opportunity to create something that does work. 

What we resist, persists. What we accept, creates possibility. 

If you’re feeling annoyed, frustrated or stuck, surrender to the now. The only way to change your perspective is to accept reality. When you become okay with life as it is, in the now and here, that’s when new avenues of thought and new emotional possibilities appear.

—

Thanks to Nathaniel for inspiring this post and Teju and Joel for reading drafts. Photo via 365q. 

I was asked to write about Truth as part of a blog series put together by Molly Mahar. She’s organized a blog crawl + Treasure Hunt where 26 women are writing about self-love.

“Do I need to lose weight?” I asked my Mom last September.

“You are in no way ‘overweight,’ but I think you could probably lose fifteen pounds,” she told me. “I think you’ll be happier if you tone up, cut back on wine, and stop eating out every night.”

At first, that hurt. But I knew my Mom was right. And deep down, I appreciated her honesty and clear direction. I felt like I could trust her more. She could have said, out of a desire to reassure me, “No baby, you’re beautiful just the way you are.” Instead, she told me the truth. Since then, I’ve improved my diet, begun working with a personal trainer, and I’m no longer drinking. Now, I feel healthier and happier. Her truth was a catalyst for positive change in my life.

Truth can also be a catalyst for growth.

A few years ago, I learned that a guy friend was in love with me. I told him that I didn’t feel the same way and just wanted to be friends. But that was a lie. The truth was that I was afraid of damaging our connection and losing him if the romance didn’t work out. Apparently, I wasn’t ready to confront this fact about myself—and my willingness to lie allowed me to continue this pattern for a few years. If I would have told the truth—that I was afraid of losing him—it may have sparked a conversation that brought us closer together. 

A few years later, I was given the chance to find out what happens when you live your truth, no matter how scary it feels. 

After I moved to Boulder last November, I started developing feelings for someone I was spending a lot of time with. He was in a long-distance relationship and so I repressed my feelings and continued to explore the friendship and our incredible working dynamic. For a while, I lied to myself and others about my true feelings because I didn’t want to create awkwardness or conflict. I was afraid of how being honest might change things. It got to a point, however, when I began feeling a moral dilemma. He also started noticing a distance between us. This created an internal battle. I wondered, “Should I openly share with him the truth and risk damaging our connection? Or, will sharing with him actually provide an opportunity for greater depth?” I decided to tell him everything. Even though he wasn’t on the same page with his feelings for me, it provoked an incredibly powerful conversation, one that I will remember for the rest of my life. I felt immense happiness for facing my fear and we made a pact to always be “radically honest” with each other. This has had a tremendous impact on our friendship. 

With honesty, there is unlimited potential for growth. You do not question whether or not someone is saying what they mean. You know they will say the same thing to your face as they will behind your back. And even when it’s challenging, you know they’ll tell you when something you’ve said or done has rubbed them the wrong way. Knowing you’ll tell the truth, no matter the circumstances, makes life more simple. There is nothing to prepare for. We can simply be ourselves. 

By following a single mantra in life—Do not lie—we avoid embarrassment, wasted time, and social awkwardness. We create stronger relationships founded on trust. We uphold our authenticity and our integrity. We grow and help others grow too.  

The next time you’re confronted with the opportunity to tell a white lie, think about the point of view of the other person. Would you feel betrayed if the roles were reversed? Will telling them the truth provide an opportunity for greater depth in your relationship? Will it help you and them grow? 

—

Heart this post? Tweet it!

Thanks to Mom, Megha, Teju, Nathaniel and Gino for reading drafts of this post.

I used to hate planning. It felt unnatural and forced. Life felt like less of a grand adventure. I enjoyed the thrill of spontaneity, improvisation, and watching things naturally fall into place. 

For a while, this approach worked. I did things that interested me and opportunities fell into my lap. I felt in touch with the flow of life.

But then a point came when life stopped moving as smoothly. I found myself spread too thin, spending my time and energy on things that didn’t matter. I knew the work and purpose I was meant to birth into this world. But I wasn’t focusing on it. This felt devastating. 

Going with the flow had led me to say “yes” to everything except my own interests and needs. A few months ago, I decided to focus all of my energy on changing this. I began refining the foundation of who I am and what I bring into the world.

If you’re in a transition, ready for change, or just want to tap into your highest creative potential, here’s the process that brought me to feeling like the very best version of myself:

1. Evaluate priorities.

One evening, I made myself a cup of herbal tea, put away my computer, and pulled out my moleskine. I asked myself three very important questions: 

1) What is most important to you?

2) What makes you happy?

3) What would you do for free?

My immediate visceral responses were writing, helping others make positive personal changes, and inspiring people to do the things that inspire them. Aha! This is what I was meant to be working on.

What’s most important to you? What makes you happy? What would you do for free?

2. Let go of the things that don’t serve you. 

Our best self feels energized, alive, and like contribution and progress are being made. With this in mind, I took a close look at my life and all of the things that I was doing. For each activity, I asked myself, does X… energize me? Help me move my priorities forward? Provide opportunities for learning and growth? Play a positive role in my life? 

These questions shed light on what I needed to change. I ended side projects that weren’t aligned with my purpose, left New York, cut out alcohol, and let go of acquaintances who sucked my energy.

I moved to Boulder, drank more water and herbal tea, started working with a personal trainer, and surrounded myself with a tight-knit group of people who challenge me, share values, and make me feel like the best me. 

What (or who) is no longer serving you? How can you let go?

3. Commit to three priorities. 

Jim Collins says that if you have more than three priorities than you don’t have any at all. Taking his advice, I picked three areas of focus: 1) Hey Amber Rae (content creation), 2) Passion Experiment (helping people make positive personal changes), 3) revolution.is (stories that inspire meaningful action).

The thought of working on only these things deeply excited me. That’s when I knew I was on the right path.

What are your three priorities? 

4. Create a schedule structure that works best for you.

Inspired by Paul Graham’s “Makers schedule,” I structured my life so that I could be as creative and productive as possible. Being creative is about giving my brain the space to make more connections. When I have appointments all day, I lose that space.

I use Tuesday and Thursday for clients and appointments. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are “Amber Days.” This means zero appointments and my entire day is open for what I want to work on and do. 

How can you restucture your schedule to give you space for creation? What isn’t working about your current schedule? How can you create blocks of time to make it work for you?

5. Plan for inspiration.

Based on my priorities and promises, every Sunday, I map out a week that gets me excited. I feel the most inspired when I do good work, am active, and include play. That’s why I created a work / fit / play framework.

Here’s how it works:

> Work. I have no more than 3 priorities each day. I map the priorities based on T/Th for clients and M/W/F for Amber.

> Fit. I make sure to do some form of exercise every day (and working with a trainer has totally changed my life). This gives me a surge of energy each day and helps my brain make creative connections.

> Play. Every day, I make time for play. (The play calendar wasn’t complete when I took this picture.) Play typically involves spending time with someone I care about and doing something creative or new. (For example, on Monday, I painted and cooked with a friend.) I also work in weekly “heartstorming” play dates with friends who make my heart and brain feel on fire.

> Schedule spontaneity. I love adventure, randomness, and the unknown. That’s why I leave Saturday open to whatever comes my way. It definitely keeps things interesting. 

All in all, if you want to do work that matters, if you want to prioritize your purpose and continually build momentum toward it, you’ll need to plan your life accordingly. Life doesn’t happen to us. Life works with us when we learn how to work it.

p.s. - if you implement any of the above and it works for you, please tell me your story! I’d love to hear about your positive changes. They’ll make my day. 

—

Thanks to James and Michael for inspiring this post and Nathaniel and Antonio for reading the draft.

My guy friend in New York is newly out of a long-term relationship. He wants to date, thinks he doesn’t know how, and feels afraid of rejection. Him being an incredibly compassionate and sharp man, this false belief is all in his head. Instead of telling him this, I decided to let him experience the answer for himself. 

I encouraged him to ask five women out in one week. The first five women who he felt genuinely attracted to. I told him to be honest about why he felt attracted her (i.e. “I noticed you from across the room and would love to grab coffee with you sometime”), give his first name and number on a sheet of paper, leaving a bit of mystery, and then leave. How’d he do? Four out of five women texted or called him, and two turned out to be interesting and interested. 

Similarly, a new client, a creative director living in Pittsburgh, is facing some confidence issues with her work. Mind you, her work is amazing and she’s collaborated with some incredibly prominent brands. She’s great at creating for others but when it comes to her own creative work, she gets stuck. 

Since we build confidence by trying things and not having expectations of ourselves, I encouraged her to try a “Paint Anything” exercise. The aim being to put colors to canvas, enjoy the experience of painting, and let her mind roam free. I suggested that as she paints and notices judgmental thoughts arising to simply notice them, not judge, and keep painting. 

We are often our harshest critic. When we resist what naturally is, it persists. When we notice and observe our thoughts without judgement, that’s when we evolve and make progress. That’s one way confidence is built. 

As Neils Bohr says, an expert is someone who’s made all the mistakes there are to make in a really narrow field. 

The scientists who publish the most frequently cited studies are also the scientists who at one time published studies that no one read. 

The baseball players with the most home runs are also the players with the most strike-outs. (Babe Ruth had more strike-outs, and still does, than any other major league baseball player.)

Richard Branson has lost far more money than most people earn in their entire lives, and yet he is one of the richest people on earth.

The point is: we don’t become good at anything until we put ourselves out there and make a lot of mistakes first. We don’t become experts until we adapt a learning mindset, focused not on outcomes but instead, on the process of growth. 

When doing anything new, mastery does not come immediately. It will initially feel unnatural. You’ll make mistakes and get rejected. It sucks and you’ll feel the pain deeply throughout your entire body. But soon, your body will learn to adapt. It will stop overreacting. You’ll become stronger, more confident, more alive. 

—

Thanks to Teju and Joel for inspiring this post, and Nathaniel and Liz for reading drafts.

“We want to take your muscles to failure,” my trainer said to me earlier today.

Soon after that statement, she changed her wording and said, “Actually, we want to take them to fatigue.”

“What’s the difference?” I said, “I love failing.”

Surprised at my response, she asked for clarification. A client of hers had reacted so negatively to the idea of her muscles “failing” that she started using the word fatigue. 

Failure is a positive thing, I told her. Life is about learning. Failure helps me learn. I learn more from failing than I do from succeeding. And the more I fail, the more I grow and succeed in the right ways. 

Think about it… what’s worse: playing it safe or taking a risk? When we play it safe, we never increase the ceiling at which are capable of performing. We stop challenging ourselves. We build a negative predisposition to the idea of risk which prevents us from discovering our full potential. This builds a pattern of comfort and safety, and ultimately leads to complacency.   

When we take a risk, we go boldly in one direction because we believe it’s the right thing for us to do. We may make errors along the way, but through those experiences are opportunities for learning and growth. We give ourselves the chance to discover a life that’s true to us. 

In the end, do you want short-term security or long-term achievement? Do you want to feel safe right now or do you want to take a chance at what matters? Do you want to stay stagnant in your life or do you want to realize how much you’re actually capable of? 

In the top five regrets of the dying, the number one response from people on their death bed is that they wish they had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the life that others expected.  

What’s true to you? How can you fail at living that truth today? Tomorrow? Next week? This month?

Take a risk on what matters. Aim to fail. The successes will naturally follow. 

—

Thanks to Sylvia for inspiring this post and Nathaniel for reading the draft. 

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I typically hate this question.

First off, it’s a classic interview question designed to test your commitment or loyalty to the organization that is thinking about hiring you. (And this often breeds dishonesty.)

Second, it tends to elicit a list of future milestones and hopeful accomplishments. 

Neither of those are a sustaining force that will make you feel energized and intrinsically satisfied. They won’t help you feel like the best version of yourself either.

That said, it’s actually a damn good question if thought about in the right way.

Think about it… WHERE do you want to be in five years? Meaning, what environment do you imagine yourself living in? Who will you be surrounded by? What’s the first thing you’ll do when you wake up in the morning? The last? Why will you do what you do? What will you be working on? What problem will you be solving?

Maybe you hope to be on a mountain writing a novel. You’re with your best friends and the love of your life.

Maybe you hope to be on stage facing an applauding crowd. You’re on the road as part of a multi-city tour.

Maybe you want to be playing with your kids on the beach. You kiss your wife when you wake up and tuck your kids in every night.

Maybe you’re traveling the world with your business partner. You’re bringing your product or service to market internationally.

Think about the moments when you feel the most alive. Is it when you take your hands off the keyboard after writing a piece? Is it when you ship a new version of your product? Is it when a crowd applauds? Is it when you hear “I love you” from your significant other? Is it when you help someone else solve a problem or achieve a breakthrough? 

What is it that’s keeping you from feeling this alive every day?

Start taking steps toward the environment you imagine yourself living in. Now.

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” The next time someone asks you that question, be prepared with a damn good response. The kind of response that lights you up with passion and excitement, that speaks to where you really want to be.

—

Thanks to Diana for inspiring this post, and Ryan, Michael, Nate and Liz for reading drafts. Also thanks to 365q for the photo.

Just five months ago, I had a major panic attack in my TriBeCa apartment. In the middle of hosting a weekly meeting with my team, my body began shutting down. I couldn’t breath properly and I felt such deep anger and anxiety that I didn’t know who I was in that moment. Tears began to form and I escaped to my bedroom to lie down. 

As I lay in my bed, trying to catch my breath, my mind raced with a million thoughts. I couldn’t hear myself. I felt anger at other people for the choices I had made. I regretted not working on what I knew I was meant to be doing. I wondered why I had stopped writing. I questioned the commitment and promises I had made to both a project and person that weren’t aligned with my true desires. 

“How did I get here?” I thought to myself.

Through the darkness came light. After a few hours, I began to hear my voice again. The changes I needed to make became increasingly clear. The signs were everywhere. But I was too scared to accept them. I was overwhelmed with the fear of disappointing someone and letting others down. 

I took a deep breath, continued on with the promise and commitment I had made, and told myself that everything would work itself out. 

Around this time, I had trips lined up to San Francisco and LA which provided me with the opportunity for clarity and reflection. The ocean reawakened me to my pure desires. The road trip down US-1 from San Francisco to LA provided me with clear thinking time. My dear friend, who accompanied me on the travels, listened to my worries and supported me along the way. We traveled for two weeks. We played. We laughed. We celebrated life. We enjoyed every moment. What I wanted and the need to make change became obvious.

So I bit the bullet. I made the difficult call and honestly poured my heart out to the friend who I was working with to launch a new division of his company. I told him everything. And guess what? He understood and respected me more. More than anything, the only thing he wanted was for me to pursue my true desires.

Ahhh… the power of honesty. The power of closing the wrong doors.

Once that door was closed, it made it easier to close others that were no longer serving me. I decided to break my lease, leave New York, and move somewhere more aligned with my natural state. I traveled to Barcelona for a month to collect my thoughts and relax. I moved on from a casual relationship that wasn’t going anywhere.

I learned that the urge to hold onto something that isn’t right will only prevent me from discovering what is right. 

This process is always painful. Feelings get hurt. People will judge and be disappointed in you. Sometimes people won’t understand or be able to relate to what you know to be true in your heart. You have to trust your instincts anyway.

Five months later, I’m living in Boulder where every day is a gift and I feel like the best version of myself. I’m surrounded by a tight-knit group of incredible people who I feel deeply and purely connected with. I’m working only on my own projects, building a business, and loving every second of every day. I’m living on purpose. I’m alive. So fucking alive.

Which doors do you need to close to get to where you want to be? Which ties do you need to cut to become who you want to be? Let it go. Cut ties. This is the sign you’ve been waiting for.

Last week, my dear friend Teju called me and asked a very important question. He said, “Amber, what is your vision for the Passion Experiment? Where do you see it going?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” I said, “I dream of creating an unconventional academy where the aim is to awaken and unleash that which exists inside of each individual.”

I then went on to explain to him how all my clients are these incredible mid-20 to late 30’s professionals who suddenly stop in their tracks one day and say, “Shit. What the hell am I doing with my life?”

This problem is PREVENTABLE. Currently, I’m working with individuals to fix what’s not working. As much as I love it, I can’t stop obsessively thinking about how I can PREVENT it from happening. This requires a knowledge of self, talent/skill, and how that relates to what the world needs. It requires mentorship, a redefinition of success, a paradigm shift in terms of what’s possible as well as opportunities and connections to advance passions and skills. My gut says that the right (initial) market for this opportunity is passionate, non-traditional college students with a track record. Those who define success as living a life of meaning, fulfillment, and purpose. A life in which every step they take helps someone else take a step forward too. 

For almost an hour, I eagerly paced around my apartment sharing these ideas and thoughts with Teju. Surprisingly, he had the same dream in mind for me too. Soon after our conversation, we got together to discuss the current state of education, learning, and how I might launch a “life accelerator program” for 30 or so ambitious college students in Boulder this summer. We talked about the need in society and the learnings I’ve had through the Passion Experiment over the last 9 months.

As I work toward figuring out how to make this dream a reality, and whether or not it’s feasible to launch in Boulder this summer, I figured I’d share some of the early thinking and learnings surrounding the next phase of what I hope will become an “Unconventional Academy” of sorts…

> The current aim of education is to maximize economic productivity and prepare people for jobs. The ways in which we work are drastically changing. Through personal experience and working with clients, I’ve realized that what isn’t being taught is how to take risks, fail, experience meaning, understand passion, create change, and realize purpose. (I want to… no, I NEED to, facilitate this learning and discovery process.) 

> Non-traditional teachers, please! Most of our current teachers are products of the same system. This system isn’t working. For me and many others that I know, learning became a game. College, for me, was about learning the system, working the system, and then doing whatever the hell I wanted in my spare time. School only perpetuated a cycle of obligation and procrastination, two things that are never present when you’re doing something that is meaningful and fulfilling. I want to break this cycle. I’ve done it for myself and I want to do it for others.

> There is a need for this. Over the last 9 months, I’ve helped 30 people, via a 4-week program, make positive transformation in their lives. I’m not the only person doing this. Also, how often do you hear college students say “I don’t know what to do with my life” and professionals say “I’m not in love with what I do.” Fuck that. There’s a better way to live.

> Community is key. The work I’ve been doing is one-on-one. From my experience bringing like-minded people together via Nightowls, I believe that creating a community environment will only accelerate positive changes and strong bonds. That’s why through a pilot program, I want to bring about 30 students together for some amount of weeks this summer to see what happens.

> This school will solve many problems that exist today. When we’re equipped with the resources, skills, and access to live a life of meaning and purpose, to work on what we love, to honestly express emotions and communicate truly, I believe this will drastically increase happiness, decrease divorce rates, and as a result, maximize economic productivity. 

Big meeting today to map out how to make this happen… Wish me luck. I’ll keep you posted.

And if you have any ideas on how I should make this happen, please shoot me an email (me @ heyamberrae . com).

ps - if you’ve been following my writing, I talked about wanting to launch a membership site a month or so ago to accomplish the same types of things. After having more in depth conversations on why and what I hoped to accomplish, and realizing that I didn’t know a damn thing about membership sites before making that announcement (lesson learned), I realized that building something online is unlikely to accomplish my aim, at least not in the beginning. 

(photo via 365q)

“Don’t be so hard on yourself when you write,” said one of my best friends a few minutes ago. “Please be unfiltered, crazy-good-shenanigans, morning-pages-style Amber,” she said. “Just let it out.” 

Hmm. Interesting. I didn’t realize I was being hard on myself. In fact, I didn’t realize I wasn’t “letting it out.”

But wait, am I being easy on myself? Am I letting it out? 

Shit. No. Not really. She’s totally right. 

This has me wondering… has my recent writing truly reflected what I’ve been feeling and experiencing deep down? Or, have I been afraid to let stream-of-consciousness Amber out? Interesting. 

To be honest, I’ve been keeping it pretty safe. My friend’s right… I need to let go. I need to be naked. I need to let my instincts guide my writing. Damn, this is what best friends and radical honesty are for. I love when this shit comes back full circle.

On that note… my post on Tuesday left out a significant part of my “radical honesty” story. In fact, every time I read Tuesday’s post, it makes me cringe a little bit. As much as it encompasses this direct and blunt side of me, it completely leaves out the deeply compassionate and loving side. And to me, honesty lies at the intersection of truth and compassion.

The mention of my Mom, in particular, is what makes me sad. In the last post, I talk about how her plumber story was boring. And yes, even though her plumber story was deeply boring, that interaction captures 1% of our relationship. Maybe even .05%. The honest story to tell is that we FaceTime every morning. I’m always in bed, under the covers, wrapped up in pillows and blankets, and almost always naked. We laugh, we smile, we share deep secrets and feelings, and sometimes we cry. It’s always a magical and uplifting start to my day. My mom completes me. She is my best friend. Our candidness and ability to express deep and honest feelings makes me believe in the power of truth. She is truth. My truth.

Truth is something we are often so scared to express. Or, actually, it’s something I’ve often been so scared to express. What if the truth hurts me? What if I hurt someone else? What if… What if… What if… Fuck what if. I cannot control what if… I can only control and live what is. 

This past week, ironically or not so ironically, I’ve been confronted with several opportunities for radical honesty. I decided to lean into that edge and keep it real. In every instance, I felt more alive, I feel more free, I felt more nakedly me. I immediately stopped focusing on the outcome or ending and became so completely content with the process. The discovery. The opportunity for more depth and connection. The moment. Yes. The moment is what feels right. This is what life is all about.

So what’s the big deal with being honest? Hmm… well… the times when honesty becomes scary for me is only when I fear that it might hurt someone else. Or me. I hate disappointing others. I hate disappointing me. I’m often scared that by expressing my true feelings, I’ll push someone or something exciting away. But then I wonder, is that really the problem? WIll honesty push someone away or will it bring what’s right closer to me in the long-term? I’d like to believe in the latter. (I do believe in the latter.)

A close friend recently expressed to me how “trusting your gut” is a signal. It’s not something to be understood or analyzed. It’s just a feeling to be trusted. I feel like truth is the same way. When you can be deeply honest with someone, that’s a signal. It’s not something to be understood or analyzed. It’s just a feeling and experience to be trusted.

Who are you most honest with?

Imagine if we lived radically honest and naked lives. 

We told the truth, all the time. We stopped dancing on eggshells. We eliminated secrets. We cut out the filters between our brains and our mouths. 

Instead of a passive “no worries,” we tell our friend he pissed us off. We stop saying “let’s get together soon” to distant friends when we don’t mean it. We tell Mom her story about finding the best plumber is boring. We tell our employer about our plans to start a business on the side. We tell our love interest that we’re really only interested in sleeping with him. Or dating her. Or both. 

Is cutting the bullshit the path to authentic relationships? Does the short-term tension and discomfort create a deeper relationship in the long-term? 

I’d sure as hell like to think so. 

But in order to have authentic relationships with others, we first need to have more radically honest relationships with ourselves. 

For a while, I told myself little white lies. About what I wanted. The people I wanted to spend time with. The work that made me feel most alive. The types of relationships I deserved.

I discovered I was wasting time on excuses and illusions. It was time to cut the bullshit. 

Here are some of the excuses I made and the responses I used to quiet my inner critic… 

“I have to do this.”
False. You do not have to do that. You have a choice. Yes, you may have made a commitment and quitting or changing courses might suck. But do you really want to live a life where you feel obligated to do things? Or, do you want to align yourself with people and opportunities that make you want to do things. It’s your choice. How can you take what you have to do and turn it into what you want to do?

“I’ll start tomorrow.”
Will you really? Why can’t you start today? What’s one small thing you can do to begin now? Is what you want to start tomorrow actually important to you? Why is it important? Where are you hoping it will take you? If it’s important, work toward it today. Otherwise, eliminate it.

“I can’t do it because I might fail.”
Yes. Fact. You might fail. And guess what? You will survive. You will learn to use failure as energy and momentum. Your failures will lead you to your successes. The insight, learnings, and relationships that you gain from failing will often be more useful than what you originally set out to do. But only if you start failing. How can you fail today?

“It’s not good enough yet.”
Nothing ever is in the early stages. Often times, in the later stages too. Get it out there and see how the world responds. 

“They won’t let me do that.”
Really? Someone else in control of your life? Replace “they” with “I.” Now, why won’t you let you do that? That’s the core of the issue. Begin there. 

“I could do Y if I had X.”
Well, you don’t have X. So, either eliminate that option or get creative about how to get X. Also, why do you need X? What will X help you achieve? What other routes will help you get to Y?

“I don’t know how to do it.”
Who does? Go talk to them. Ask them questions. Create value for them. Build a relationship with them. Google it. Read about it. Start doing it. Learn how to really do it. 

“They will judge me.”
They might. And if they do, are they the kind of people you want in your life? When you start doing what you love, you’ll attract people who love to do the same kinds of things as you. And why would you fear being judged when you’re doing what you love? Fuck ‘em.

When I stopped lying to myself, I gave myself the chance to be who I am and live the life I want. And honestly, it feels damn good to be naked. 

“No one cares what you do. They care why you do it.”

That’s the premise of one of my favorite books, Start With Why, by Simon Sinek. In this book, Simon talks about how great leaders inspire action. He explains how the most innovative and influential people and organizations have an uncanny ability to articulate the why of their existence. 

For example, Martin Luther King didn’t give a 10-page presentation on the changes he envisioned with statistics on why it was a good idea. Instead, he got on stage and said, “I believe in a world…” He shared his driving belief, the reason he got out of bed, and the change he wished to see in the world. 

Apple didn’t say “we make great computers.” They said, “we challenge the status quo and believe in thinking differently.” Dell, on the other hand, talked about making great computers. Now which brand has built a cult following?

Zappos talks about a belief that happiness can be used as a model both in business, and in life. What other shoe company does this?

To explain the companies that are functioning at their highest ability, Simon developed a Why/How/What “Golden Circle” (pictured above) which is based on the biology of human decision making as it relates to how people interact with brands and organizations. 

No one cares what you do. They care why you do it.

So how does this apply to your life or business?

Yesterday, a close friend approached me for direction on the style/fashion business he’s building. For his own clarity, he was attempting to map out his Why/How/What. Within 30 seconds of chatting with him, I realized he didn’t actually understand what “why” “how” and “what” mean. 

Here’s the advice I gave him, which might assist you in evaluating your own ability to create influence and impact in everything that you do…

Why: A belief that drives you. The reason you get out of bed in the morning.

For example: my why is to inspire and enable people to unleash their full potential so that together, we change the world.

How: The actions you take. The things you do to realize your Why.

For example, my Hows are to…

1) challenge conformity and ignore what’s expected,

2) focus on positive long-term behavioral change (to change the world, I must first change myself),

3) see the good and opportunity in everything,

4) experiment to see what sticks, 

5) candidly share everything.

What: The tangible things that you can see and touch. The outcomes that prove your Why and How. 

For example, my Whats are…

1) Hey Amber Rae: I write. I experiment. I reflect.

2) Revolution.is: I tell stories of remarkable people living unconventional lives.

3) Passion Experiment: I work with high-potential people one-on-one to overcome obstacles and make positive change. 

What we do will evolve and grow and change over time. Why and how we do things will remain consistent, guiding the things we create to realize our full potential. 

I’m writing this on the fastest ship in the world. I’m sitting in my cabin, sailing from the Bahamas back to Florida. Outside my window, I see waves furiously crashing against the ship and I feel myself swaying back and forth, back and forth.

I just spent the last four days with Daniel Epstein, founder of the Unreasonable Institute, exploring a business opportunity between Semester at Sea and Unreasonable. They’re thinking about doing a global experiment in transnational entrepreneurship and I came on board to help them think through the opportunity from a storytelling perspective. Good times.

In the last few days, I’ve met at least fifty Semester at Sea alumni who’ve all told me that the experience “changed their life” but now, they’re not sure what they’re doing. They don’t know what they enjoy, what brings them pleasure. They want to be happy but they don’t know how to get there.

Two nights ago, at around 1:30 in the morning, I sat with a table of smart and interesting men and women who all felt some level of “stuck” in their lives. As I told them about my story and journey, their eyes widened and interest piqued. I could feel and see them opening up to the possibilities in their own lives. As I very candidly told them about the ups and downs of my path, and why it’s been worth it, I created a space for openness and vulnerability. Every person started sharing their story and challenges too. They welcomed my very personal and poignant questions, and as a group, we connected around inquiry and understanding.

When I hear people talk about trying to make positive changes in their lives, they often explain how they want to feel in three months or a year from now.

“If I take this job then I will make enough money to pay off my student loans. Then I’ll be happy.”

“If I do this graduate program, it will give me enough credibility. Then I’ll feel good enough to do the work I’m meant to do.”

“If I date this girl, she’ll help bring balance to my life. Then I’ll feel better.”

No. False. That job won’t make you happy. That graduate program won’t make you feel good enough. That girl won’t make you feel better either. Temporarily? Of course. But in the long term? Absolutely not.

Why? Because happiness comes through self-understanding. It comes through an awareness of who you are, what makes you tick, and why you exist. The path of your life will obey the shape of your beliefs about love, value, and possibility. To make any lasting change in your life, you must first understand that which is shaping your beliefs right now. You can’t fight it, shame it, or ignore it. With openness and understanding in mind, you must get curious about why you feel the way you do. When you welcome your feelings and let the stories unfold, you’ll get to know yourself. Your true, naked self. The kind who lives a life full of pleasure, enjoyment, and adventure.

So if you’re feeling stuck, and if you want to make any change in your life, start by listening to your feelings. Unmet feelings obscure your ability to know yourself. So starting asking questions. Be tender to yourself. Let the stories unfold. Pay attention to and accept what arises, even if it surprises you.

I still remember the moment I came across Buster Benson’s blog and work a few years ago. As I read his words and beliefs, I felt this strong visceral reaction to the point of goosebumps. The more I furiously clicked around his site, the more I found myself jumping up and yelling “YES!!!!”

Buster is one of those rare people who knows exactly why he exists which manifests in everything that he does. Buster is a genius when it comes to building technology that improves people’s lives. He started at Amazon’s Personalization and Recommendations team, building one of the first truly personalized experiences on the web. Since then, he’s co-founded, sold, and created a number of companies and good-for-you products like Habit Labs, 750words, and Health Month.

On Tuesday, I chatted with him more deeply about his work, motivations, and thoughts on failure and behavior change. It was a hell of an interesting 54 minutes, and I thought I’d share some of the insights that are still keeping me up at 1:12am… 

What we want vs. what we think is possible

In any pursuit that we have, there is A) what we want and B) what we think is possible. 

When you ask people “what do you want to do with your life,” they automatically filter it through what they think is possible instead of thinking about it as two separate questions. 

The larger the delta between what we want and what we think is possible, the more unhappy we are as people. The fear of failure is what creates that unhappiness. 

On knowing what you like and want

If you really like someone and you’re not sure if they like you back, that is the best situation to be in. Because, this way, you know what you like and what you want. That is 99.9% of the problem. The rest of it lies in being creative and not taking failure personally. 

Behavior change is all we have

You can’t change anything in the world unless you change something you do every day.

All we are given is the opportunity to do what we can while we are here. The world and the universe is largely unchangeable unless you consider the fact that you are part of it. So really, the only thing to change is yourself. If we can’t change ourselves, there’s not a chance that we’ll ever change anything else. So why not focus on that?

Goals verses interests

Instead of focusing on goals, try focusing on interests. The goal of self-change and self-progress is not to win but rather to enjoy life more. This usually happens when you focus on your interests.

Embrace your many sides

We all have multiple sides, dimensions, and everything we do today might not be consistent with everything we’ve done before. 

People try to curate their own personality too much, especially publicly or on social networks. They try to be “what’s professional,” or whatever. They are highly influenced by what they think other people expect from them.

All sides of you are true and honest. Keeping this in mind, you can truly share what’s important to you instead of having to worry about how it’s going to be perceived in the long-term. Be you—all sides of you.

I’ve always hated stupid rules.

“You can’t go to the bathroom unless you ask for permission.”

“Raise your hand before speaking.”

“Don’t talk to strangers.” 

“Don’t get hurt.”

“Never give up.” 

These rules are why our education system breeds people to be employees. It’s these ways of thinking that create scared and fearful people who overthink what they really want and feel like they need to ask permission to do something. I say, fuck it. Do what you want and do it well. In fact, here are 11 unconventional rules on living… 

It’s not about the success of one business or idea, it’s about the success of you. You are not defined by one project or idea or experience. Failure is not a stigma. It’s okay to fail. If no one is responding to what you’re doing and you feel no progress, that might be an indication that you should move on to something else or take a new approach to what you’re already doing. 

Define success as you see fit. You don’t have to define success according to how others do. For me, I want to feel fulfilled, I want to eliminate unhappiness in my life, and I want to experience ease, flow, purpose and progress every day. That’s it. How do you define success? 

Eliminate haters. If someone is hating or bringing me down, I immediately cut them out of my life. If someone lifts me up and makes me feel alive, I bring them closer. But I never, ever, get close to those who bring me down. I cut them, wish them well, and carry on. I rarely, if ever, provide an explanation. Explaining is draining. (I went through a period where I was obsessed with explaining and trying to help people understand where I was coming from. I thought it was the good and honest thing to do. In the end, this exhausted me and them.) Letting go and moving on is one of the most important rules I’ve implemented in my life. 

If you want the world you envision, create the self you envision. We don’t get what we want by focusing on external rewards and validation from other people. We get what we want and we achieve success by replacing negative habits with positive ones, eliminating unhappiness from our lives, and working toward things that we feel matter. If you were the best version of yourself, how would you behave? Start there. 

Create what you’d use. Whether it’s a product, experience, piece of content, program, or whatever, create things that you want and would actually use. If you wouldn’t use it, or aren’t sure if you’d use it, then don’t create it. This is the fourth article I’ve written in preparation for today’s post. I kept feeling “ehh” about the other ones and wasn’t sure if they were something I’d really use or go back to for reference. So I kept writing and digging, found myself on a personal rant with a friend about “rules” and “defining success” and wham bam, now I’m writing this. This is something I feel great about. 

Know why you’re doing what you’re doing. Keep asking yourself “Why?” until you get to the core of why you’re really doing what you’re doing. I committed to writing twice a week because I wanted to put out ongoing content that’s valuable. I wanted to address the same questions that I get through email in a public forum. I wanted to prepare myself for the book I’ll likely write within the next year. I wanted to share bits and pieces of my journey in hope that they’ll enable more people to eliminate unhappiness from their lives and act on what matters. I want to enable more people to do this because then we’ll change our behaviors and the world. Why do you do the things you do?

Never do anything you don’t want to do. Hell yes or no. If you don’t want to do it, be honest (without being hurtful), and carry on with what you do want to do. Doing things that you don’t want to do because you’re trying to be nice or trying to please will actually hurt you and them in the long-run. 

Be really effing honest. On that note, always be really effing honest. Whether you’re breaking up with a company, ending a romance with someone who’s just not right for you, or telling someone how you really feel, save time by keeping it real and being honest. It might suck at first but ultimately, it’s better for you and better for them. Life brings you beautiful things when you’re honest with yourself and others.  

Listen to your body. When I’m heading away from the work that I’m meant to be doing, my body reacts. For a few years, I was allergic to cream. When I made a significant move and change in my life, I suddenly dropped that allergy. Your body sometimes knows more than you do. 

Life is an experiment. It is only an experiment. When I think of life as an experiment, it removes the emotion and makes taking action easier. When I’m being bombarded with challenges, responsibilities, even overwhelming hurdles, when I look at it like an experiment, I realize that just rising above is an opportunity to learn, grow, and succeed. Maintaining this perspective helps me look forward to the challenging moments. It helps me have more fun, try things just to find answers, and not take life so damn seriously.

Create your own rules. What works for me may not work for you. What works for you may not work for me. Break rules that don’t matter to you and instead create your own. Give yourself permission to create a life on your own terms. You don’t need the approval or support of your parents or close friends if it’s not aligned with what you know you need to do. Just start. 

What rules would you add to this list?

ps - Today I published the 50th story on revolution.is. I’m honored to celebrate 50 with the King of unconventional living, Chris Guillebeau. To 50 more!